Purple and Black
Taking Independent and Unofficial Back

Wait - I *haven't* started a 2024 Movies thread? Well, I have now!


Well-Known Member
Really? I haven't posted anything this year re: movies? No one else has, either? We must fix this! Starting with:

January 12, 2024

I've been on a Jon Hamm kick lately, seeing as how he's been so good in an otherwise deflating "Fargo" (more on that later). So when my Favorite Mother-In-Law and I were ensconced in my daughter's Lake Tahoe house whilst everyone else was skiing, I found this, saw it had Jon Hamm, and said "Hit it!"

I'm glad I did! This is a pretty dang good movie. It's a thriller with a lot of comedy and some decent twists. I refuse to side with Wikipedia and call this a "black comedy" because, as we all know, there is no such thing as a "black comedy". A movie is either funny or it's not. One cannot be depressing AND funny. So there.

SIDE NOTE: I found something hella interesting while researching my radio show last week, and it wasn't the word "hella". Frankly, I have no idea why "hella" popped into my head but it did. At any rate, this IS hella interesting. You see, there's a metal music site called Metal Archives (nicknamed "Encyclopaedia Metallum" so you know it's legit). It's HUGE. Good gosh, I had no idea how many metal bands there are. There are so many that the dudes who run the site have engaged AI to help filter bands into the proper categories. These guys had assigned the following types of metal: Black; Death; Doom/Stoner/Sludge; Electronic/Industrial; Experimental/Avant Garde; Folk(?)/Viking/Pagan; Gothic; Grindcore; Gore; Heavy; Metalcore/Deathcore; Power; Progressive(???); Speed; Symphonic(?????); and Thrash. Guess what AI told them?

There is no such thing as "Black Metal". I'll bet you that if someone applied AI to movies, it'd tell you there is no such thing as a "black comedy". Can't argue with AI! Which doesn't have time to argue anyway, since there are 49,243(!) bands in Metal Archive's "Black Metal" category and AI has to recategorize them all.

Back to this non-black comedy.

This dude named Jay Moore owns a sub shop that's part of a franchise. But he's not doing well so in order to save money, he buys meat and cheese from an outside supplier who sells him old non-approved product (meat, cheese, bread and chips) at a discount. So not only is he using moldy materials, he's violating his franchise agreement by not buying his product from his franchisor.

This loser is also going through the process of getting ditched by his wife, Maggie Moore. To top it off, the skeezy supplier selling the moldy junk to Jay has a condition to his sale of crappy product - every once in awhile, Jay has to be the go-between in an exchange of manila envelopes. One day, Jay accidentally leaves the latest envelope on his desk at his home, and his wife opens it. What she finds is NOT good.

It's child porn.

I know what you're thinking - how in the world is this ever going to get funny? Trust me, it does.

Maggie Moore confronts Jay over this and in Jay's defense, he did not know what was in the envelopes. Whether or not he knew the skeezy supplier had a child porn conviction to his name, I don't know. Understandably, Maggie Moore is mad and is going to go to the cops.

The skeezy supplier is also mad, for other reasons having mainly to do with possibly being sent to jail over having child porn. He knows that when dudes like him get sent to jail, someone eventually cuts off their manhood. He does not want that, so he suggest to Jay that he knows a guy who can help. That guy is named Kosco and is a deaf mute. Kosco lives in a hovel and communicates by writing stuff on a tablet and then shredding it. Jay hires Kosco to scare his wife into not going to the cops with the child porn.

But Kosco kills the wife and burns her to a crisp. This does not sit well with Jay because obviously he's going to be the prime suspect. He confronts Kosco and asks why did he kill her instead of simply scaring her? "She fought" scribbles Kosco. Time for a Kosco rabbit hole!

Kosco is played by a guy named Happy Anderson. Yep, Happy. Well, actually it's "Eric" but he's 6'4" and around 260 pounds so if he wants me to call him "Happy", I am going to call him "Happy". Dude has been in a BUNCH of stuff but incredibly, he was in an episode of "Banshee" - what's incredible is that it's the last episode I watched! Last night, in fact! Even more incredible? I didn't recognize him. He played someone named "Bones Tuesday" and I'm assuming Banshee killed him, because Banshee pretty much kills everyone (turns out he didn't kill Bones Tuesday, but he should have). Further research indicates...wait! How did I not know the owner of the underground Fight To The Death Club was Happy Anderson? It was! No wonder I like "Banshee" so much. I will recap all the Banshee stuff I know so far in another post.

So now Jay has a problem but a solution turns up when he visits the local drugstore for sundries. It turns out there are TWO Maggie Moores in town. Aha! All Jay has to do is get Kosco to kill the OTHER Maggie Moore and then everyone will think the first Maggie Moore murder was a mistake. Therefore, Jay Moore cannot be a suspect; instead, suspicion will fall on the husband of Maggie Moore #2. How can this possibly fail?

Because Jon Hamm is on the case! You probably thought I forgot about him didn't you? Well, I kind of did. I got excited about Banshee. But then I remembered that Hamm is the sheriff and ultimately solves the case, all while getting thrown in the grease by Tina Fey, who has a much more liberal view of sex partners than Hamm does. Tina Fey does end Kosco though. I won't give it away but if you saw "Turner and Hooch" or if you're even semi-observant, you'll figure out how she does it before she actually does it.

There are a lot of great nuances in "Maggie Moore(s)" and I think we'd all agree that you absolutely, positively cannot call any movie with nuances a "black comedy". Of course, you can't call ANY movie a "black comedy" because we've firmly established there is no such thing as a "black comedy".

You know me - I'm all about the positive. I can't remember if "Maggie Moore(s)" was the first movie I watched this year, but so far it's the best. That's why I led off this year-long thread with it!

I'm giving "Maggie Moore(s)" 4 Air Bags out of 5 Air Bags. You either get this right away, or you will after you watch this fine cinematic effort!
This is a cool thread. Thank you for it. :grouphug: Well I watched 'Lost in Translation' last night and 'Lost in Florence' straight after.
Lost in Translation 4/5
Lost in Florence 2/5
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What - you thought I'd leave you hanging in the 2023 thread? Never! Here's the update on various TV series that I've either concluded or like so much that I just have to post about them.

This is one of those "have you/haven't you?" things. If you've not read the book this is (loosely) based on, you should stop reading now. You probably liked Season 2 (everybody has!) so why listen to me whine and nitpick? See you in the next review!

I've mentioned many times how much I like the Reacher books. S2 is based on "Bad Luck and Trouble", which is a really good book. So it's...confusing?...puzzling?...exasperating?...that so many things were changed for the series. And in many cases, it didn't seem like stuff that needed to be changed. But you know what?

Who cares! Alan Ritchson is the perfect Reacher and he busts heads every episode! So, RodeoSchro - shut your pie hole and be grateful you don't have sit through any more attempts by Tom Cruise to look 6'4" and 260 pounds!

It started so well but alas - it did not end well.

Our heroine - Dot - is a badass. Our villain - Jon Hamm - is a really bad guy. Our monster - the dude in the kilt - is a monster. Mix it all up and you should have a heck of an omlette!

And we did - for a few episodes. Then in the home stretch it seemed like the writers got bored. Things got messy. A whole episode that turned out to be a dream about a camp for women? Hey, "Dallas" already did this and the showrunners should have known how well that worked out.

It didn't, is the point.

And don't get me started on Jennifer Jason Leigh. That accent - ugh. What the Sam Hill was it supposed to be? She started off tough but disappeared for like, three episodes. And hey, look - if the showrunners wanted to take a shot at Donald Trump, OK fine. But at least take one that makes sense. Trump would have been gigantically pro-Jon Hamm. There's no way he'd have listened to Jason Leigh and ordered the military to go in and smoke all those "constitutionalists". As the show pointed out, Hamm was a giant Trump supporter. I doubt ANY politician is going to immediately agree to violate federal law and send in the military to wipe out a whole bunch of people who voted for him. That was just bizarre.

As was the ending. The monster shows up at Dot's house with "unfinished business", i.e. he still needs to kill Dot. But the client who bought that service from him is dead (Jon Hamm, in case you didn't know). Didn't the monster watch "Three Days of the Condor"? As Max Von Sydow explained, when an assassin is hired to kill someone but the employer dies before the assassination is completed, the deal is off but the assassin gets to keep the money. If the monster really was 500 years old, how could he not know this vital part of the assassin's code?

This season was better than Season 4 but a warmed-over plate of last week's lasagna would have been better than Season 4, and I say that coming off a weekend of suffering horribly from food poisoning (pulled pork got me, not lasagna). I don't know who is in charge of the Fargo series but that person needs to go get everyone responsible for Season 1 and/or Season 2 and re-hire them. Pronto!

I don't know how this show keeps (kept?) getting better and better but OMG is Season 3 off the hook!

Every. Single. Episode. Is. EPIC.

I know I'm given to hyperbole but trust me - if you like action, mayhem and non-stop action (there's a lot of action), you will LOVE "Banshee". It is so good that in our family "banshee" is now a noun, verb and pronoun. "Banshee is going to banshee the hell out of those lesser banshees!" (I've exclaimed that numerous times recently.)

All we have left is the eight episodes of Season 4 and I am purposefully not telling you anything that has happened to this point. This series is just too good to do that to you!
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WONKA 2023

Yes I am going back to the theatres again! Thank God for Gold class, you get a reclining seat in a private screen (About 12 x 8m) with only 50 seats. No kids and warnings about cellphones. I saw Wonka with a friend who likes musicals. Thiis is a prequel to the Charlie and the Cholcolate factories and is about Willy Wonka and how he got started as a chocolatier (Warning SPOILERS). Although it does not say it on the movie itself, it is set 25 years before Charlie and the Chocolate factory (The original Gene Wilder one - the Johnny Depp abortion is not mentioned here) which means the story is set in 1946 - however as I discuss, its a confusing hodge podge of time periods and cultures and its like World War 2 had not even happened as we have German, Italian, French and British accents all combing.

Story (Spoilers)

It starts with Willy Wonka arriving in the city called "Europe" which is a mish mash of Germanic medieval and early modern style buildings - the glass covered arcade from Milan where the chocolate shops are and a mostly very working class English cast c.1940 - there are also cars and vans of a very 1940s and 1930s style. He wants to sell his chocolates, but can't due to a cartel of 3 major chocolatiers who control the market and a corrupt chief of police by buying them off with chocolate. There is also a corrupt churchman who runs a cathedral with chocolate addicted monks that sits on the supply of chocolate, the 3 chocolate lords do not want Wonka or anyone else selling chocolate in Europe. Wonka quickly loses his savings and is forced to move on by the police. Generous to a fault, he is broke and spends a night in a park until rescued by the scrubits who give a room for the night after he signs a contract, the contract has clauses and Wonka signs as he can not read. The next day, his hover chocolates are a success, but again he is confronted by Slugworth who eats one of his chocolates and says it is worst he has ever had and makes the police arrest him and kick him out. Dejected Wonka goes back to the Scrubits and is found he owes 10,000 sovereigns not 1 due to the dodgy contract and thus has to work them off in the Scrubit laundry with 5 other unfortunates.

He forms a friendship with Noddle, who turns out later to be Slugworths neice whom he has tried to conceal for many years and the other people in the laundry (Scrub Scrub). He learns how to sneak out to sell chocolates and gets ingredients for them like giraffe milk. He also has a box that makes his chocloates which are special, but most special is a bar that his mother made years ago and she promised she would be there when he made it successful. A few more hijinks ensues and he befriends everyone in the laundry who help and outwits the Scrubits. Finally he gets to a point where he can open a chocolate shop. However the Scrubits and Slugworth poison the chocolates and the shop is destroyed, at the same time he finds out Oompa Loompas have being stealing his chocolates as he stole their cocoa crop of 4 pods years ago on their island and the Oompa Loompas will collect their debt and he is one jar away from paying it off.

Anyway Wonka is offered a way out to leave Europe and in return his friends will be paid off and freed. However the scrubits take all their money and only release all of them, except Noodle - whom was made to stay forever by the Slugworths. Wonka finds the Oompa Loompa on the boat with him and he realises the captain is gone and the boat is about to blow up - so he swims back to land and you need to watch the rest of the movie to see what happens.


There is a lot good about this movie, we have an all star line up of British and American actors and we have Timithee Chalumet a French Jewish/English performer playing Wonka in his 20s (Chalumet was 27/28 at time of filming- makes sense as Wilder and Depp are also Jewish) and Olivia Coleman playing Mrs Scrubit, the lighter guy from Key and Peele playing police officer, Rowan Atkinson plays the priest, Matt Lucas plays one of the rival chocolatiers and Bobby Moynihan is also in the movie, even Hugh Grant plays the Oompa Loompa - Lofty/Shortpants - very colourful scenes and some great musical numbers. Its also a nice movie in the sense there is no sex, violence or superheros/monsters - the story is funny and quite silly and everyone is in character. The settings are amzaing with great building sets, colourful scenery and eye watering candies everywhere. CGI and AI probably helped a bit here. Its definitely worth seeing and not too childish for an adult audience, yet children will be fine watching it.

I would also recommend seeing it on a big screen to really feel it.

There are some negatives - if you are like me, a student of geography and history - this movie is a mess, its 1946 yet the Police wear Austrian/French Gendarme Uniforms of around 1845, many of the city buildings look medieval or around 1650 at the latest, you would expect some 1920s/Deco buildings at least by 1946. Despite everyone speaking English, the Zoo signs are in German, other building signs are in French and Italian (Maybe that is the "Europe" theme and all of Europe is in one city). The worst part is the currency is sovereigns - except silver sovereigns and everyone knows a sovereign was a Gold coin worth one British pound, so a silver sovereign is a mockery of the currency! The 100 Sov notes also look like 1790s French assignats. But of course its nit picking and I would not expect every movie viewer to be like me looking for veracity - when its a story made to entertain (Not Hollywood as its made in the UK at Leaventree studios).

Also its like a 2023 application to a story from the 1960s and set in the 1940s. Many of the lead characters are Black or Hispanic, which is not a problem - but I could imagine in 1940 whenever that Black people would not be equal with white people in Europe. Slugworth is Black, Noodle is Black and so is the Police Chief (Well he is very light skinneded) - its like Black people in Bridgerton and other stories set in a very racist past. Also we have a Phone operator who is Indian - its all good, but its not historically accurate as Black kids may ask their parents "Why are Black people equal in the movie, yet you tell me my Granparents and great Granparents were treated like shit by white people?" I am not saying don't cast Diverse people in these movies, because it is the 2020s and we don't officially pander to racism anymore (Although it lurks under the surface still), but perhaps a disclaimer saying - this is a 2020s interpretation of what happened in 1946 etc" I mean in 1946, we still had Jim Crow in the states, UK wanted to send the West indians in the war effort back and the arrival of the Empire Windrush in 1948 was not greeted well - I mean there were no people singing along with Slugworth about their chocolate empire back then. Even in NZ, I would not be served in some bars, would have to sit in the balcony at the movies and get told by barbers - we don't cut your kind of hair.

Plus there is a bit much singing for my liking and it is a bit saccharine and childish at times - yet its perfectly fine escapism and I have always loved the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory story.

Rating 8/10 - Very Good.
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Somewhere around January 14, 2024

Brie Larson - real name the ultra-cool "Brianne Sidonie Desaulniers" - has won an Oscar.

It was not for this movie.

Marky Mark has never won an Oscar.

No one is ever going to give him a retroactive Oscar for this movie.

This is a remake of a 1974 film, also called "The Gambler" but it is NOT a remake of the Kenny Rogers film "The Gambler". You know what, though? It would be cool if it was! My dad was in one of the Kenny Rogers/Gamblers movies, as he and Kenny went way back. Dad was only in one short scene - him and a banker buddy of his played two drunks in the drunk tank that Kenny Rogers had been wrongly thrown into by some jealous cops. All they did was sit on a bench and look drunk, for which Dad and his buddy should have won an award as neither of them really drank.

But if anyone remakes a Kenny Rogers/Gambler film and you need someone with real-life experience at looking like they were over-served, PM me!

This particular movie could have used me, too. You see, I know about gambling. Specifically, blackjack and blackjack is the game played most in this movie. But you, Dear Reader, already know all this because you, Dear Reader, have read all my previous reviews. Right, Dear Reader? Good, because I'm not going over all that again!

One thing that chaps me in gambling movies is how the gambler tries to put out an "I am a Gambling Badass and I'm in control" vibe. No. At a blackjack table you are not in control in any way, shape or form. So you can scowl all you want to Marky Mark, and you can do your best James Bond imitation, but none of that has any bearing whatsoever on what cards you or the dealer are going to get. The ONLY thing you have input on is whether to hit or to stay.

At least in this movie, Marky Mark plays blackjack the right way, which means avoiding a bust at all times. If you bust, you lose even if the dealer busts, too.

Marky Mark is not a good gambler and he's an even worse college professor. Seriously, if I ever had a professor like that, I'd drop and get my money back. Talk about jaded - Marky Mark takes all the fun out of any room he enters. So it's no wonder that the only person he wants to boink is Brie Larson, who is both one of his students AND his waitress at Tha Gaming Club.

Marky Mark is a gambling addict, a compulsive gambler. It'd be a waste of space to tell you how many times he goes broke. All of the times, Katie.

He "saves "himself by getting one of his students - who just happens to be the best college basketball player in the country - to take somewhat of a dive and make sure the team only wins by less than 8 points. This is done at the behest of one of the bookies to which Marky Mark owes a whole lot of money.

But look - I'm not saying no one has ever done this but this time? No way. Dude is a sure-fire Number One pick, even though he "has a knee" (which is not a thing). Anyone who's anyone knows that any time you acquiesce to a bookie's crooked wishes, that bookie owns you for the rest of your life. What is supposed to be this dude's plan? Figure that since he "has a knee". go ahead and shave points for the rest of what he guesses is his last season and make a little bank that way? Oh, come on. It's medically impossible to be the best basketball player in the country on a knee that you THINK is going to blow. And so what if it is? They have doctors for that!

Anyone with half a brain would go to a doctor, tell them to x-ray the knee, and fix whatever's wrong with it. Unless it's a microfracture, the problem will be solved post haste and the NBA career awaits. I'm not going down the microfracture rabbit hole, that's just too much to ask of any Certified Movie Reviewer,

Anyway, Marky Mark takes his money, does some stupid stuff, and then lets it all ride on one spin of the roulette wheel. He wins, gives all his winnings to his degenerate bookies, and runs completely across Los Angeles to Brie Larson's apartment.

The end.

Don't waste your time on this one. It's just not good. 1 Rich Mom Who Could And Should Have Had All The Bookies Killed out of 5 Rich Moms Who Could And Should Have Had All The Bookies Killed.
Also somewhere around January 14, 2024

Here's a paradox:

What if I told you there was a world where you could have been a pretty funny guy at one point and by reaching that point in your career, streaming services and degenerate gambling services would throw so much money at you for very bad product that you'd never have to ever care about doing a quality job for the rest of your life?

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you this guy:


This picture is from Kevin Hart's Facebook page and I know it's his page because it has a blue check mark. But almost all of his photos are ads for the degenerate gambling sites he promotes. I was probably lucky to find this picture.

Anyway, that used to be Kevin Hart but that was back when he was funny. He's not funny any more. He just takes paychecks for really crappy stuff but hey - he's number one at the bank! At least when Prince said that, he was Number One At The Bank because he'd released a pretty good album called "Emancipation".

Kevin Hart? Not so much.

"Lift" is a formulaic heist movie with absolutely no surprises or redeeming qualities. I fell asleep through most of it.

I don't even feel like giving this a rating, so I guess that makes it a Zero.
January 26, 2024

It was a dark and stormy night.

No, really - it was! Therefore, only one course of action presented itself : go eat Mexican food, drink Margaritas and then go to the Non-Booze Non-Chow theater for a movie.

So we did!

"The Beekeeper" is Statham's latest, and it's mostly by-the-numbers fare. However, if those numbers are good numbers, that's OK.

These numbers are OK. Good numbers for a little while; most of the movie actually. But it rolls snake eyes at the end. That kind of tells me something:

I am only obsessing over the end of the movie because based on the first 2/3, it had a chance to be a really good flick. So let's dive into the first 2/3, shall we?

Statham is an actual beekeeper, helping out a nice old lady at her rural home. This nice old lady is played by Phylicia Rashad, who I thought was incapable of aging. She's not - weird, huh? But weirder than that is Amber Sienna.

I know - who?

It's no secret that I do extensive research in preparation for writing these screeds of brilliance. OK, so that means I Google stuff. That counts! Mostly I Google the movie and read the Wikipedia plot summary, in case alcohol or the passage of time between viewing and reviewing causes me to forget vital plot points or semi-funny observations.

When I Googled "The Beekeeper", as is its custom Google displayed pictures of the cast across the top. First one is Jason Statham, naturally. He plays "Mr. Clay". The next one in line is Josh Hutcherson. He plays the smarmy son/villain, however his character's name is not displayed under his picture. Weird but then again, half the cast's character names aren't under their pictures, either. Step your game up, Google!

But the third cast member shown? Amber Sienna. Credited as "Server". First of all - who? Second of all - what? Third of all - why?

Usually these cast pictures are listed in order of importance. I don't have any recollection of Amber Sienna in this movie; shucks, I don't even know which scene would have had a "Server". I guess at the very end, when the POTUS has a party or something? OK, let's go deeper and visit IMdb (or however you're supposed to capitalize it) and see what they say about Amber Sienna a/k/a "Server".

Nothing. They say nothing. She isn't listed in the cast - not even under "uncredited".

But she's displayed third, even before Jeremy Irons! JEREMY FREAKING IRONS.

Who is this person?!?

She does have an imDB (or however you're supposed to capitalize it) page, so I went there. She has seven credits (not including "The Beekeeper", I guess, since incredibly it isn't on her ImDb page). One of them is a TV show called "I Live with Models" and she was in three episodes playing "Fashion Show Guest". The other six? Feast your eyes on these:

Fast X - Party Girl (uncredited)
The Batman - Iceberg Lounge Hostess (uncredited)
Venom: Let There Be Carnage - Party Guest (uncredited)
F9: The Fast Saga - Interpol (uncredited)
My Dinner With Herve - Playmate Party Girl (uncredited)
Pan - Woman's air force (uncredited)


First of all, Jeremy Freaking Irons needs to get in touch of his publicist, and fast. Dude's got an Oscar - how can he rate below Miss Uncredited?

But most importantly, who does Amber Sienna's SEO?!? I want to hire them to publicize ROCK AND ROLL RADIO!

Who else does such incredible research for you? You ain't getting this from Roger Ebert, I can tell you that!

Back to "The Beekeeper" although I have to admit that I cannot stop admiring Ms. Sienna's SEO skillz. And yes, they are so good that "skillz-with-a-z" is justified.

Wait - not back to "The Beekeeper". We haven't had a multi-part review so far this year. Let's fix that!

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While Statham is busy with his bees, Rashad gets one of those "YOUR COMPUTER HAS BEEN INFECTED!" pop-up scams. She falls for it, loses not only all her money but also $2 million she's in charge of for a charity, and does the only natural thing - she blows her brains out. Why she didn't call her FBI agent daughter is a mystery but one that is never solved. Look for that on an upcoming episode of "Unsolved Mysteries", probably hosted by Amber Sienna.

Rashad's daughter shows up and begins investigating. Naturally, Statham is the prime suspect as no one knows who he is but he's cleared pretty quickly. Which means he can now go do what it is that he does - keep bees.

Being that he's a retired beekeeper - the government type, not the actual type - he calls the unlisted number of his old boss, the Director of All Three-Letter Agencies, and gets the slimmest of leads. It's all he needs.

Statham's gimmick in this - and it's a good gimmick - is that he just shows up, tells people what he's going to do, and then does it. Like, he inserts himself into the middle of 10 highly-trained military operatives while they are planning to start looking for him, tells them he's going to kill them, and then kills them. Never mind they are American military guys - anyone not on Statham's side is an enemy to be maimed or preferably killed.

The lead takes Statham to the call center that scammed Rashad. He kills a few people and then burns the room, which causes the building to explode. Surely dozens and dozens of people were killed, and most of them probably worked in different offices and were not involved in the scamming at all, but if you're thinking about that then you're thinking too hard.

For reasons better left un-thought-of, Statham does not kill the head scammer, but the head scammer's boss sends some goons out to kill Statham.

They fail. Statham kills them all, saving the head scammer for the end. He lets the head scammer's boss listen on the phone while Statham runs the dude into the water via being pulled behind his old truck due to a winch rope. It's awesome.

The boss is a dude named Danforth. His father or step-father is the retired director of the CIA, who's now busy keeping this idiot out of the news. This, by the way, is the part Jeremy Freaking Irons plays. While the boss dude is a genius young Tech Bro, he's also Asshole Of The Year so keeping him out of the news is a full-time job. Scamming people - or "data mining" as he calls it - is Danforth's main business. He tells Irons that some beekeeper has killed some of his employees and blown up a building.

"A BEEKEEPER?!?" says Jeremy Freaking Irons. "Oh, crap - you're dead". Even though Danforth's mom is president of the United States of America. Danforth, being a raging asshole, doesn't buy it. "Well, beekeepers are the baddest of the bad and they are not subject to any laws. Like I said, you're a dead man".

Or - it takes a Beekeeper to kill a Beekeeper! So Jeremy Freaking Irons calls the same lady Statham did, who sighs and says, "OK, I'll put my craziest Beekeeper on the job".

This lady IS nuts. She immediately tracks down Statham to a gas station, takes a tarp off the bed of her pick-up truck, and commences to wreck shop with her .50 caliber mounted anti-tank gun.

She misses, but Statham doesn't. He beans her in the head with a throw of something heavy, and then he burns her to death - while she's still conscious. No loyalty among the Beekeepers, I guess. Statham also cuts off one of her fingers for later use. These acts taken together convince the rest of the Beekeepers to remain neutral in this fight. Not out of loyalty but out of fear.

Moving up the chain, everyone figures that Statham's next target is a building in Boston that houses the company in charge of all the "data mining" offices that Danforth owns. This is where Statham shows up and lets the military guys have it. Then he goes inside and lets everyone else have it. One guy has it enough that he reveals the mastermind behind all the scamming is Danforth - the son of the president.

No big whoop!

Danforth is sent to live with his mother in hopes of surviving but it's of no use. Statham defeats anything and everything in his way - including some mercenaries, one of whom lost a leg to a different Beekeeper and loses all his guts to this Beekeeper.

Everyone is scared to death because Jeremy Freaking Irons discloses that Beekeepers can take down and replace the Queen Bee if she has failed to produce decent offspring. Immediately upon realizing this, the president says, "Hey kid - I'm giving you up and telling the world how it turns out you lied, cheated and manipulated the election so I would win. RIGGED AND STOLLEN!" (She didn't really say "RIGGED AND STOLLEN" but it would have been awesome if she had!)

Danforth's response is to take his mother in a choke hold and put a gun to her head. But this is no step for a stepper, and a stepper is exactly what Statham is. He easily blows Danforth's head off while not hurting the mom. Never disclosed is whether or not she kept her promise to admit the election was RIGGED AND STOLLEN.

Statham escapes out a window and dons the SCUBA gear he'd conveniently stashed before storming the castle.

The end.

Up until the point that Danforth shacks up with his mom, this was a really good movie. After Danforth shacked up with his mom, it just became a decent movie. But man, do we need decent movies these days!

I'm giving "The Beekeeper" 3.5 Amber Siennas out of 5 Amber Siennas. For all I know, there are five Amber Siennas out there!
The last movies I watched are Oppenheimer, Killers of the Flower Moon and The Guard.

Oppenheimer was the first movie I've seen in the theater since 2016. And it was definitely worth it. I didn't feel the 3 hours at all. Nolan did a good job picking the interesting storylines of the book he based the movie on.

I'm not saying this because of the general hype about the movie, but it's really just a phenomenal achievement in almost every way. Tenet wasn't Nolan's best work and I think he revived his credibility with Oppenheimer. I mean it was such a great experience and I am glad I got to watch at an IMAX. The whole cast knocked it out of the park, even the minor roles. There was not one character that felt out of place.

But can we talk about Cillian Murphy? If you watched Peaky Blinders, you already know that he can be a leading man if you give him the chance. But I feel like this was on another level entirely. He completely disappeared into the role, the last shot of his face is haunting. He didn't even have to say anything. I would be shocked if he didn't win the oscar.

All in all, I would definitely give this one 5/5 stars.

Killers of the Flower Moon.

Now this one, I watched in the theater as well. And my only gripe with this one is the runtime. It's the same with The Irishman. You just feel its runtime. The movie itself is great, it's Scorsese after all. I don't think he's capable of making bad movies. Lily Gladstone and DeNiro were the best of the cast. I love Leo, he's my favorite actor, but this wasn't his time to shine. He just wasn't completely outstanding and maybe it was on purpose to give Gladstone, but especially the indigenous characters the attention they deserved.

I rate it a 4.5/5

The Guard

It's an irish cop comedy/drama with Don Cheadle and Brendan Gleeson. I had to watch the german dub version and it wasn't the best experience since a lot of the dark humor was lost in translation. I also feel like german voice actors miss the mark whenever they have to dub irish flicks. I don't know why, but they overact and it's extremely hard to get over that. But it shouldn't take anything away from the movie. The story is easy to follow, it's a bit cliche but not too much on the nose. The characters a very sympathetic ( although Brendan's character is kind of a freak ). My only complain is the ending, which I thought was a bit too sobby.

3.5 to 4 out 5 for this one. I really can't decide.
Yes. i have seen Oppenheimer too. One that is a must for me to go see soon is ROH Live. Manon [2024] This adaptation of Abbé Prévost’s novel embodies Kenneth MacMillan at his best, his acute insight into human psychology and his mastery of narrative choreography... From giddiness to despair, triumph to regret, this Manon is “searingly powerful”!

Ohh, are we rating them? I have seen Deep Waters. recently. 3 /5 for that. Oppenheimer 4 /5.
February 5, 2024

Here you are - the 2024 version of "Bridesmaids! Aren't you excited?!?

Or more likely, confused. What are you referring to, RodeoSchro?

"Bridesmaids" was a movie in which the first half was funny as all get-out and then the movie took a dive off a cliff straight into the Lagoon of Stupid Judgement. All the comedy left the building!

"Argyle" is much like that. The first half of it is very entertaining and then the BIG REVEAL is made. Which, for some reason, turned a fast-paced original movie into a slow-moving cliche. Want to hear how? Of course you do!

The movie opens with an author reading from her latest spy novel, complete with some accompanying imagery starring Henry Cavil as the book's protagonist. Our author finishes her reading to great applause and then retreats to her mountain home to write some more spy stuff.

At this point her mother calls. She has been given an advance copy of the book and thought it was a bad idea to finish it with a cliffhanger. "You need to write the last chapter! People need to know if Argyle gets whatever it is he was looking for!" Reluctantly, the author agrees. and boards a mountain train heading to see her parents probably in some other mountain town, or possibly Denver.

But onboard, a scruffy dude sits across from her. "I'm in espionage!" he says, at which point it turns out that everyone else on the train is a spy, bent on killing the author. The scruffy dude is able to kill them all, though.

"Your novels are actually about stuff that has really happened!" says the scruffy dude after he shaves and cuts his hair and becomes Sam Rockwell. "So all the bad spies in the world think you know where the Masterkey is, which is what either your next novel is going to be about, or how your last novel is going to end if you listen to your mother's advice".

And now, for the SPOILER ALERT.

Lots of interesting stuff happens, right up until it's revealed that the author was a spy, too but got brainwashed somehow into being an author. But her spy background is still somewhere in her mind, which is why she can write such good spy novels. The author wrote under then name "Rachel Kylle" i.e. "R. Kylle" which is where "Argylle" came from.

It's at this point that the movie slows waaaaaaaaaay down, the comedy leaves, and you're left wondering when it's all going to end.

It does, eventually. The only thing left to disclose is that after the movie is over, there's a mid-credits scene where "Argylle" is shown to have been one of those Kingsmen idiots. I guess this was done because the dude who made this movie made those Kingsman movies too and figured a little cross-promotion wouldn't hurt his branding and value propositions. I don't really know but it seems like a bunch of corporate poppycock talk fits here.

So here is the Idea Of The Decade. Are you ready?

Release a movie that is the first half of "Argylle" and seemingly wind it into the first half of "Bridesmaids". Or vice versa, it really doesn't matter. But any way you do it, you'll have two hours of pretty good entertainment.

"Argylle" must stand on its own for rating purposes though. Since it's half a movie, the highest it can score would be 2.5. But I'm deducting 3/4 point for the justifiable reason of being affiliated with "The Kingsmen", a truly awful movie. Therefore, "Argylle" gets 1.75 Bottles of Wine out of the 2.5 Bottles of Wine it would take to make you pass out at the second half of the movie.

Sadly, I only drank one bottle of wine when I watched "Argylle".
Rent -A -Pal
At first glance [ & reading the blurb ] i thought. Set in 1990? Yeah i'll give it ago.
2/5 .

Gonna try 'Scare Package' later. 🤔 It is supposedly one 'scary . stupid- smart' film. we'll see.
February 16, 2024

Houston, we have a problem.

It's Millennials.

Well, not just Millenials. We have several problems. They are:

RodeoSchro's First Rule of Moviemaking

This thing has lots and lots of problems but first and foremost, it has Millennials.

You're probably thinking, "Oh, RodeoSchro - as cool as you are, you are now An Old. What do you know about the youths?" I know this - God help us if any Millennials out there watch this and decide, "This movie is showing me how Millennials act and therefore I should adopt the values and morals of these characters!"

If that happens, we're sunk.

"Players" is about some shallow, unlikable people. And what is RodeoSchro's First Rule of Moviemaking? That's right - the hero has to be likable.

These people are not.

"These people" are four hip Millennials, three of whom work at a struggling newspaper, and one of who does not work at all yet always has all the time and money he needs. More on this goober later.

Their goal in life is to run "plays". Someone named Gina Rodriguez plays "Mac" - short for "Mackenzie" - who writes about sports for this newspaper. Therefore, all the schemes and tricks they run are called "plays" and have football-inspired names. And what, exactly, are the goals of these plays? Oh, they all have the same goal:

Trick some unsuspecting mark into a one-night stand with one of the "Players".

You think you can root for some shallow, narcissist hustlers who con young women into sex via manipulation and dishonesty?

I can't. You won't be able to, either. Like me, you'll be shouting at the screen, "Run! These people are about one step away from resorting to roofies! Get the hell out of there!!!!!" So right there, we have a problem.

One day at the newspaper office Nick, who is New York City's Most Eligible Bachelor, walks in. It seems that Nick is friends with Kirk, who is the lady that runs the newspaper and...wait! Do ALL the women in this movie have male names? I think they do!

Anyway, Mac decides that she wants to run some plays on Nick, in order to bed him. Classy!

Mac and her three loser friends devise a play so that Nick ends up at some newspaper guy's retirement party and Mac can trick him into boinking her.

It works!

But then post-boinking, Mac sees a framed picture of Nick with his parents. Incredibly, in Mac's entire adult life and throughout her entire circle of adult friends, none of them have a framed picture with their parents on display in their residences. Nick does! This makes Nick an "adult" in Mac's eyes, so now she wants to hoodwink him into a real relationship. The Player now wants to be an Adult!

So Mac and her friends do what any adults would do, and by "any" I mean "the worst kind". They devise an incredible plan based around stalking Nick, both online and in-person, and finding out every opportunity to arrange "chance" run-ins with Mac. For instance, Nick (a Pulitzer-Prize winning journalist and author) is giving a book reading at a book store. It's in nine days so Mac goes to the bookstore every day, strikes up a first-name-basis relationship with the lady who owns the bookstore, all so that she can be at the bookstore by "chance" the day Nick is giving his reading. When that "chance" encounter occurs, Mac plays hard to get and doesn't stick around for the reading.

Then, after stalking Nick and learning his jogging routine, the guys spray Mac down with water so that her boobs stick out and send her on a path that will have her and Nick pass each other. The goal of this "play" is for Nick to notice Mac and her boobs, but Mac to pretend not to see Nick on account of her boobs bouncing around a lot.

Finally, RED ALERT RED ALERT RED ALERT! The dudes stalking Nick report that he's on a THIRD DATE with a lady doctor. You know what that means?!?!?!?! A potential relationship! They can't let that happen!

The THIRD DATE is an opera or symphony or some fancy-dancy thing. Mac dresses up in her best evening gown and they wait for the intermission. When it happens, they pull off a two-part Play: (1) somehow they place a phony call to the theater about a medical emergency, forcing the lady doctor to leave; and then (2) Mac fires up a cancer stick, joins the smokers, and then tells the usher that she needed a cigarette so bad that she forgot to bring her ticket with her so can she please go back in? She does and of course accidentally runs into Nick at the bar. One thing leads to another and Mac joins Nick for the rest of whatever they were watching, and then there's some more serious boinking.

We never hear from the lady doctor again, even though I'm pretty sure calling in a fake medical emergency is some sort of crime. If it's not, it should be.

Mac's goal is a "drawer". She wants a relationship with Nick strong enough that he gives her a drawer in his dresser so that she can keep some things at his place should she not want to go back home after various boinking sessions.

I'm sure we've all had a plan like that at some time, haven't we? No? You haven't? Whew! Neither have I! Glad to know I'm not the only one!

While all this is going on, let's talk about the other Players. First we have Damon Wayans, Jr. who, in this movie at least, is definitely not a chip off his father's block. He plays a guy who's known Mac since college and they tried to date but it didn't work out.

Then there's some dweeb whose name I don't know and don't ever want to know. He's the same age as Mac and Wayans. We're led to believe that his "plays" had always resulted in deceitful boinking but each time he tries one in this movie, he fails.

Finally there is that dweeb's little brother - again, someone whose name I do not want to know. He has no job. He dresses like a 1970's recreational park basketball player - tank top/t-shirt, shorts, wrist bands, head band, and for some unfathomable reason white biking gloves that he never takes off. He has no job but never needs money, always being available at any time of the day or night to assist in "plays".

You will hate them all, just like I did.

Back to Mac. She's a sports writer but waaaaaaaaaaay down the org chart. She covers things like turtle races and chess boxing. Yes, chess boxing. It's as stupid as it sounds. But she's trying real hard to move up before she gets laid off, and is working on her Big Piece about how much the old Yankee Stadium meant to long-time New Yorkers. Why, her own parents met on Opening Day in 1978 at Yankee Stadium!

She finishes it and asks Nick to give his opinion. As it turns out, Nick has just finished his own manuscript so he obliges but he completely re-writes the piece, taking out all the "human interest" stuff. This coupled with Nick not spending any time with her at the Big Awards Party celebrating Nick's latest Big Award, motivates Mac to dump Nick. Even though he'd just offered her a drawer!


Mac has some late-night flafel, which is how she deals with depression. Then her boss tells her she's not going to be laid off, she's going to be promoted! She gets her Big Break - she's sent to Yankee Stadium to cover a Yankees-Red Sox series! Wow!

The other Players know she's dumped Nick and they also know that Wayans - who has split after breaking up with the girl he was dating and then getting mad at everyone - is and always has been in love with Mac. So they run one last Play but this one is a misdirection, intended to put Mac and Wayans together at the same bench outside Yankee Stadium that Mac's parents met at.

It works. They kiss each other and profess their undying love for one another, then Mac rushes off to cover the baseball game.

The end. Thankfully.

Oh! I forgot the math problem! I know you were all wondering why I put "Math" up there, weren't you? Well, here it is.

At one point Mac says she's 33. She says her mom died a year before old Yankee Stadium closed, which would have been 1997. That means that in 1997, Mac would have been 6 or 7 years old when her mother died.

But later, Mac and Wayans talk about how their try at a relationship while sophomores in college didn't work, mostly because Mac's mom died during that time - right in the middle of the Mac/Wayans thing. Sophomores in college are about 20 years old but it'd already been established that Mac was 6 when her mother died. Who the hell is this Wayans guy - Little Johnny?

Little Johnny and Little Billy are talking and Little Johnny says, "I bet you're a virgin but I'm not!" Little Billy says, "No way - you're lying!" Little Johnnys says "No, I'm not. Ask your baby sister!" Little Billy says "I don't have a baby sister!" Little Johnny says "You will in about nine months!"

Good joke, huh?

Anyway, there's your math problem.

Wait - want to hear a Little Johnny math joke? Sure you do!

Little Johnny comes home from school. "How was your day?" asks his dad. "Not good - I got in trouble". His dad asks why. Little Johnny says, "Well the teacher asked me what 3 times 2 is and I said 6. Then she asked me what 2 times 3 is". Little Johnny's dad says, "What's the f***ing difference?" Little Johnny replies, "That's what I said!"

I could do this all day but let's rate "Players".

Zero point five and I don't honestly know what the point five is, but Little Johnny jokes always put me in a good mood.
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Taxi Driver 1976

I watched pieces of this off and on and decided to watch the whole thing on Netflix. What to say - its just awful - a thankless and gritty storyline with little to redeem it.

I never knew the 1970s were so awful in NY city, non stop crime, hookers, bad clothes (The flares, afros, bad colour silk shirts, plaid suits, big hair even on white people and comical hippy shit) and all the jive talk got to me. What was it with the 1970s and their awful fashions. Plus its sleazy with porno movie theatres, whores, drugs, grimy "Gramercy" style buildings from like 1880 that have never been maintained. Even worse is the way Black people are portrayed, they are called racist terms, jungle bunnies and most are either pimps, criminals, whores or the stick up guy (Dark skin, afro, big droopy lips and ultra jive talking - give me the bread man). You have the crazed black man running down the street of whores, pimps, hustlers and other weirdoes in daggy flares, screaming "I'm gonna kill that bitch man" and the black taxi driver who is wearing the "siki" style silk shirt and brown flares and the "dig my jive baby sunglasses" and of course he is all "ignant to whitey". Every white person seems Italian or Jewish, corrupt Politicians - no wonder NY was a shit hole and still is. Womens rights don't exist and everyone talks trashy. You can't like Travis at all.

Plus nearly every character wants to cut your throat and talk crap, I mean the gunseller offering drugs like mescaline and crystal meth, now the scourge 50 years later and yet looking like a reject from a Bee Gees tribute band. I think the 70s should be bundled up and thrown in the sea - just a nasty decade and nasty time. Permed hair on white men should be banned forever. Plus every charcater sounds like a "Louie the lips Fantano mafioso stereotype".

1/10 = G in an A to F scale

I have decided to give up negative movies and watching a movie because some critic says so. This movie is just nasty and evil and shows the trash people loved then. The just say no. safe sex 80s were a buffer to this sex gone mad/take heaps of drugs and say fuck all the time 1970s.

I am no longer watching negative and violent movies, no more superhero, action, blockbuster, critically acclaimed crap ever again.
Taxi Driver 1976

I watched pieces of this off and on and decided to watch the whole thing on Netflix. What to say - its just awful - a thankless and gritty storyline with little to redeem it.

I never knew the 1970s were so awful in NY city, non stop crime, hookers, bad clothes (The flares, afros, bad colour silk shirts, plaid suits, big hair even on white people and comical hippy shit) and all the jive talk got to me. What was it with the 1970s and their awful fashions. Plus its sleazy with porno movie theatres, whores, drugs, grimy "Gramercy" style buildings from like 1880 that have never been maintained. Even worse is the way Black people are portrayed, they are called racist terms, jungle bunnies and most are either pimps, criminals, whores or the stick up guy (Dark skin, afro, big droopy lips and ultra jive talking - give me the bread man). You have the crazed black man running down the street of whores, pimps, hustlers and other weirdoes in daggy flares, screaming "I'm gonna kill that bitch man" and the black taxi driver who is wearing the "siki" style silk shirt and brown flares and the "dig my jive baby sunglasses" and of course he is all "ignant to whitey". Every white person seems Italian or Jewish, corrupt Politicians - no wonder NY was a shit hole and still is. Womens rights don't exist and everyone talks trashy. You can't like Travis at all.

Plus nearly every character wants to cut your throat and talk crap, I mean the gunseller offering drugs like mescaline and crystal meth, now the scourge 50 years later and yet looking like a reject from a Bee Gees tribute band. I think the 70s should be bundled up and thrown in the sea - just a nasty decade and nasty time. Permed hair on white men should be banned forever. Plus every charcater sounds like a "Louie the lips Fantano mafioso stereotype".

1/10 = G in an A to F scale

I have decided to give up negative movies and watching a movie because some critic says so. This movie is just nasty and evil and shows the trash people loved then. The just say no. safe sex 80s were a buffer to this sex gone mad/take heaps of drugs and say fuck all the time 1970s.

I am no longer watching negative and violent movies, no more superhero, action, blockbuster, critically acclaimed crap ever again.

You know, I have posted about 500 movie reviews, right? Including some you'd like! Here are some great non-action movies from over the years (I don't like super hero movies either, except for one. I simply do not ever watch Marvel movies):

Animal House (still my favorite movie EVER)
Caddyshack (a close second!)
This is Spinal Tap
Anvil! The Story of Anvil!
(If you don't cry tears of joy at the end, you are an android)
On Any Sunday (this is the motorcycle documentary and is the best documentary I have ever seen, hands down!)
Deadpool (the only superhero movie I will ever recommend and when I saw it, I didn't know it was a Marvel movie. Be sure to watch the post-credits stuff!)
Zombieland (kind of an action movie but honestly, it's really a comedy..The scene with Bill Murray is one of the funniest I've ever seen!)
Heaven Can Wait (the version with Warren Beatty and it is a TRUE classic.)
Facing the Giants (it's a "God movie" but it's also the best/most accurate football movie I've ever seen)
The Flamingo Kid (Matt Dillon at his absolute best, and it centers around gin rummy!)
Bad Moms (truly great cast and very, very funny)
Next (The only time-travel movie ever made that makes any kind of sense at all, and it is AWESOME. It's a thriller but not an action movie)
Rocky III (one of the greatest movies I've ever seen. I set new weight-lifting records Every. Single. Time. I watch it!)
Fast and Furious 7 (I'm not an F&F fan overall but this one is really good, mostly believable, and has one of the best endings ever made)
Zoolander (way funnier than you'd think and Garry Shandling's character is absolutely brillaint)
Spy (it's a spoof of spy movies is Melissa McCarthy's funniest movie IMHO)
Sharknado 2 (the funniest of all the Sharknado movies. Please forgive me but after this one, they truly did jump the shark)
Alien Opponent (one of the best comedies EVER. So ridiculously stupid that it's incredibly awesome)
Now You See Me (great cast, very inventive movie)
Scout's Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse (don't worry, I would NEVER recommend an actual zombie movie - I'd only recommend them when the zombies are used for nothing except comedic effect. And they really are used that way in this hilarious movie!)
Deathgasm (OK, this one is a bit of a horror film but mainly it's about these hilarious New Zealanders and how heavy metal can defeat monsters. Most of the time)

I've gotta go but there are plenty more recommendations. Let me know if you need them!
Nearly all those movies are no go for me. I have zero interest in anything

1. Car, truck any other wheel related or bike related, especially racing - that is action for me
2. Stupid or bad taste horror
3. Rocky movies and any Action star stuff full stop. No Arnie or Sly for me, both have the IQ of raisins.
4. Any Adam Sandler, ben Stiller - annoying trying to be edgy American stuff.
5. Movies that have an IQ appeal rating of under 90 (Westerns, Sport, Action/Violence, Rap Hip Hop style or low brow comedian).
6. Anything churchy or teenage type and Hallmark type movies.

I am more into British movies, thrillers, documentaries, historical epics etc.

I like highbrown Historical movies, documentaries and musicals.
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Nearly all those movies are no go for me. I have zero interest in anything

1. Car, truck any other wheel related or bike related, especially racing - that is action for me
2. Stupid or bad taste horror
3. Rocky movies and any Action star stuff full stop. No Arnie or Sly for me, both have the IQ of raisins.
4. Any Adam Sandler, ben Stiller - annoying trying to be edgy American stuff.
5. Movies that have an IQ appeal rating of under 90 (Westerns, Sport, Action/Violence, Rap Hip Hop style or low brow comedian).
6. Anything churchy or teenage type and Hallmark type movies.

I am more into British movies, thrillers, documentaries, historical epics etc.

I like highbrown Historical movies, documentaries and musicals.

Sorry, I will be of no help to you but at least I hope I make you laugh!
February 21, 2024

I am conflicted. This is a movie so, so, SO bad that it deserves almost nothing except its name, date and "ZERO".

But it's also so, so, SO bad that how can I resist wasting a ton of bandwidth on it, completely blowing apart maybe the dumbest story of this century?

Well, the thing to do is............do both! Which means I'll only spend half the time I normally would on this tepid piece of pond scum.

Lisa Swallows - get it, "Lisa Swallows"?!?!?! - hahahahahahaha! Anyway, screenwriter Diablo Cody really blew it on this one, pun intended. And that right there, ladies and gentlemen, is a better joke than anything you'll find in this movie. I'm funnier than Diablo Cody - where's MY Oscar?

So - Lisa is a weirdo but has an excuse. One night, she and her mother were alone at home playing board games and in walked an ax-wielding killer. He chopped Lisa's mother into little bits but then left and was never captured. Oh, I know what you're thinking - at some point there's going to be a big reveal about who the ax-murdering madman is. Nope! He is completely forgotten about for the rest of the movie.

Well, Lisa's dad remarries and the new mom has a daughter that's Lisa's age. Her name is Taffy and she's the most popular kid in high school and that makes her the complete opposite of Lisa. But they get along great; at least, Taffy does everything she can to make Lisa feel welcome.

By the way, there might be one and only one reason to ever watch this bomb, and it's a negative reason. If you ever want to see how NOT to portray the '80's - especially with respect to '80's music - watch this. And then when you make your own '80's teen movie, just do everything the opposite of what you saw in "Lisa Frankenstein" and you'll do just fine.

Lisa is in love with some dude whose name I forgot so let's just call him "William". William is the editor of the school paper, to which Lisa has submitted poetry that's very dark but William loves it and is going to publish it. This is disclosed at The Big Teen House Party. The other thing disclosed at The Big Teen House Party is that Lisa drinks a half-cup of some booze and it immediately sends her to the Twilight Zone. While there, some dweeb attempts to cop a feel, which doesn't work out well for him, although the true ramifications happen a couple days later.

Sick and disgusted, Lisa walks home, taking a shortcut through the abandoned cemetery that she likes hang out at and write dark poetry. There's one grave she especially likes - it has a statue of a handsome young man. Lisa makes it home and then a sudden storm pops up. Lightning strikes the statue of the young man and what do you know? He's reanimated!

Somehow he trundles through the neighborhood and inexplicably bursts through the window of Lisa's home. He's very gross, all covered in dirt, worms and what looks like seaweed. Lisa is the only one home and runs away from his apparent attack. But after he catches her when she falls off the roof, she immediately befriends her very own member of The Walking Dead.

The dude is missing his right hand and his left ear (and one other part, to be mentioned later) and of course, is extremely filthy. Lisa shows him what a shower is and he rinses off, although bugs keeps coming out of him for the rest of the movie. Then, just like with E.T., she secretes him in her closet. And also just like E.T., the corpse dude can't talk. All he can do is make weird grunts.

Dang it, I'm going with full-on film destruction. I hate it when I waste my time but I'll do my best to make you laugh. It won't be easy!

Lisa's step-mom is very mean and hates Lisa. As a nurse at a psychiatric hospital, she knows how to get someone committed to the insane asylum and that's what she tells Lisa she's going to do to her. The corpse hears that, comes out of the closet, and kills the step-mom via crushing her skull with a sewing machine that Lisa has in her closet on account of how she's a seamstress.

Lisa and the corpse drag the body to the abandoned cemetery and throw her into what I guess was the hole the corpse came out of. No one misses her because the step-mom is supposed to be in Milwaukee at a three-day nurse's convention.

With a taste for blood, Lisa and the corpse decide to kill that dweeb who tried to cop a feel at The Big Teen House Party. Lisa - who has now transformed into one of the three Pat Benetars from "Fast Times At Ridgemont High" (the sluttiest one, whichever that one was) - lures the dweeb to the abandoned cemetery where the corpse first lops off the dweeb's right hand, then kills him via a hatchet to the back. They throw the dweeb into the same hole as the step-mom.

Taffy was Miss Teen Hawaiian Tropic and her prize was a tanning bed. You know what? I never, ever would have figured on a Part Two for this nightmare but it just goes to show - we make plans and God laughs.

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The tanning bed is an electrical mess. Anyone who uses it gets mildly electrocuted. So naturally the corpse has Lisa use her seamstress skills to sew body parts back on the corpse and then the corpse lies in the tanning bed, gets mildly electrocuted, but when he comes out the newly-sewed-on parts work! I forgot to mention that before dragging the step-mom into the hole, the corpse cut off one of her ears.

Lisa sewed the ear on, put the corpse in the tanning bed, and bingo! A new ear that works! But this ear has a diamond-studded earring in it, on account of the diamond-studded earrings being the pride of and joy of the step-mom, who promised to give them to Taffy if Taffy ever completed some complex cheer leading move. Which, near the end of the movie, Taffy does and is visibly excited about getting those earrings.

And yes, you would assume that at some point Taffy sees the corpse, notices the ear with her mom's stud in it, and freaks out. And you would be wrong! Despite making the earrings a semi-important plot point, nothing ever comes of it. Again - the person who wrote this movie won an Oscar for screen writing for her first movie. Her first movie. HOW?!?!?!? And how do you go from Oscar to Trash this badly? (BTW, I thought "Juno" was a stupid and bad movie. Can you tell?)

So after killing the dweeb, Lisa sews on the hand, puts the corpse in the tanning bed, and mildly electrocutes him. Again, bingo! Now he has two working hands! Also, and you're expected just to notice this because nothing is ever said about it, every time he gets mildly electrocuted, his face also becomes less corpse-y and more regular.

The bodies are piling up and it turns out that Taffy and Lisa's dad find out that the step-mom never checked into any hotel in Milwaukee and hasn't come home. Taffy assumes the worst, although she still has no idea there's a re-animated corpse living in her house. Also, Taffy has a hickey on her neck but won't talk about it to Lisa.

With two people missing, the cops enter the scene and it turns out there were witnesses that saw Lisa and the dweeb going to the cemetery. Lisa says, "Talk to my lawyer!" and leaves. Unbeknownst to her, the corpse - now dressed in colorful '80's-style duds - is walking around the neighborhood. He comes upon an older man screaming at his apparent grandson, calling the kid all kinds of names because the kid isn't strong enough to pull the rope on their lawnmower and get the engine revving.

In the middle of all this berating, the old guy sees the corpse walking down the street, figures it's some kind of commie hippie, and angrily confronts him. The next thing we see is the old man lying in the street, while the corpse has commandeered the old man's Mercedes sedan. The kid approves of all this.

Remember William, the guy Lisa has a crush on? He didn't show up at school so after telling the cops to talk to her lawyer, Lisa decides to ditch school and go over to William's house to let him have his way with her. She figures the cops are going to arrest her and that she's either going to get the electric chair or life in prison but either way, if that happens now then she will die a virgin. Unacceptable! This is why she's so eager to find William.

First though, she finds the corpse who somehow knows not only how to drive a car, but even knows how to use the ignition key to turn it on and off. We have no idea how because it's quite evident by the corpse's original clothes that he's more than 100 years...hey! I forgot to rake this movie over the coals for never even explaining how a corpse that is more than 100 years old had skin, bones and clothes when it came out of the ground. I guess there were so many stupid plot holes that I can be forgiven for missing one, even one this big.

The corpse drives Lisa to William's house where incredibly, they do not notice Taffy's car parked right in front. They go up to William's bedroom and in the first thing that ever makes sense in this clunker, there are Taffy and William in bed together. The corpse takes his handy ax and lop's off William's penis and then he lops the life out of William. Taffy is understandably horrified but they take her home. No one ever explains to her that the guy who just lopped off William's manhood and then took all the other "hoods" from William is, in fact, a re-animated corpse. And for some reason, Taffy never asks anything about this guy who just killed her lover and is apparently connected in some way to Lisa.

Back home, Lisa is distraught because now there's no one to boink her. The corpse pulls William's penis out of his pocket and...wow. Never in my life did I ever think I would type "The corpse pulls William's penis out of his pocket". But I just did.

You're probably wondering, "What happened to the corpse's own penis? Was it cut off and if so, why? You don't get your penis cut off unless you've done something really bad - like, something with a juvenile bad. Or did it rot off? And if so, why would it rot off the same way an ear did? Or was the ear sliced off? His hand was definitely cut off - they showed the stump. So was he a thief? A rapist? A thieving rapist? Enquiring minds want to know!"

You know what's coming next. And it does although thankfully we don't have to see it. Then the corpse goes to the tanning bed to re-animate William's penis. This is the corpse's third or fourth time in the tanning bed and this time, the corpse is almost completely restored as a human. But, he still can't talk. However, he dances with Lisa, plays the piano for Lisa (turns out he was a piano prodigy of some sort), and then does exactly what you think he's going to do. Yeah, he boinks her. More questions arise but I'm not EVER going to ask them.

By now the cops are coming down the road and Lisa tells the corpse, "This is the only way". The only way for what? Oh! For Lisa to get in the tanning bed, turn the knob to its highest setting, and get fried to death. So that happens. Everyone in the neighborhood shows up to watch Taffy's she-shed go up in flames due to a tanning bed malfunction, immolating Lisa in the process.

No one is upset.

There's a funeral for Lisa, and then Taffy and her step-dad go off on their new life. The end.

But no! Not the end!

The next scene is the corpse cradling a heavily-bandaged Lisa; at least, she's bandaged everywhere but on her face. And she's alive! And the corpse is now fully restored as a regular human! And he can talk! And he's reading dark poetry to Lisa! And they lived happily ever after, somehow!

Now, it's the end.

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